This page is dedicated for any inmate member wishing to express themselves through writing, poems or art work. There is so much hidden talent and creativity beyond the walls of prison. There are many stories to be shared with society. This page is for their voice to be heard or freedom to express their creativity.
The Truth You Need To Know About Pimps and Prostitution
Submitted by Frank Dorsey - located on Male Inmates 5
Rehabilitation means being honest and truthful. So now that you may have smiled and laughed at my profile, it's time for me to get serious. I have made some serious mistakes in my life and I now recognize that which is a start to rehabilitating but the most important thing is wanting to change and doing it yourself. No one has rehabilitated me. I've done it myself through changing my thought process.
For a lot of men on this website, change is an important goal but it comes with a lot of pressure. Men who are incarcerated have made a lot of bad choices that brought us here. I can't speak for all inmates but I will speak for myself. I believe if a man wants to truly change, he has to not shift the blame or minimize or excuse it but instead own it and accept it fully. It was really hard for me to change because I simply had no values, no morals, not much of a care in the world.
Two things can happen: you either accept change or you try to beat the system. In reality the system is smarter than all criminals. This is why the recidivism rate is so high. I'm in my mid-50's and I have been a recidivist for 25 years. I have currently been incarcerated for almost 17 years straight. I have had almost 17 years to think to myself, "Why was I a pimp?" "How did I become a pimp?" I was a product of my environment. I grew up in this lifestyle and was taught this at a very young age. Now I can see that this was no excuse to continue the cycle I was raised in. There are no excuses. I was a predator that preyed on vulnerable women. I was a sorry excuse for a man and an even sorrier excuse as a father. I ruined many lives.
I was born in Toronto and grew up in the Regent Park area. By the age of 10 I was forced to live with pimps and prostitutes where I was abused physically, mentally and sexually. I was "groomed" into becoming a pimp and by the age of 14, I became pimp. I do not shift blame. I made these choices to continue to be a pimp in my later teen years and adulthood. I had served over 10 years in prison before I felt the need and the want to change.
I now believe it is my calling to send messages and educate any families and victims that are trapped in this lifestyle and need to know how to get away. I want my words to provide reassurance and comfort to those who thankfully found the courage to leave this lifestyle.
First, I want to say to all of my victims that I have caused physical, mental or psychological harm to.. I am sorry. I am sorry for what I did to you and for what I put you through. I want to put your mind to rest and reassure you that you never have to look over your shoulder because I will never be there. You are safe and do not need to fear me. This I swear on my children's lives.
Next, to the victims that are trapped in this evil world of prostitution, pimps and predators.. let me give you some valuable information. This lifestyle causes serious mental and psychological damage and issues from being used by pimps, perverts, drug dealers and customers. If you are in a situation right now or caught up in the game, you need to get out of it and run away right now. Pimps are professional liars and manipulators and they lower your self esteem, set fear into you and make you believe that if you leave they will find you or go after your family. This is not true. They can not find you and will not care to find you because they will be busy looking for their next victim. You are just a pawn that they can replace because the only thing that changes in the game is the young faces. The only chance they have in finding you is if you stay in this lifestyle. The way to get them out of your life forever is to just leave. Go to a safe spot, go to the police or reach out to the many organizations out there who are there to help you.
This lifestyle claims lives and makes females of all ages victims. This is not a glamorous life except to the pimps and predators that are involved. There are only predators and prey in this game. Get out right away before you become a drug addict, a victim of sexual assault or worse.. dead.
I know a lot of females are trapped in this evil world and it seems like you have no help. You might have kids?
Let me say this to you.. You are brainwashed to believe there isn't any help and that there isn't any way to escape but that is not true. I had 3 kids with a woman who I trapped in this lifestyle for 9 years. She got up and left in 1985 and to this day I don't know where her or my kids are. I can now say I am so proud of her for leaving me and putting me in jail and for giving our children a good chance at life. They could never have had a good life with me. The children are victims as well. Material things can be replaced. You or your children's lives can not be replaced. If you can't love yourself at this moment due to men making you feel worthless, then love your children and get them out.
To all of the pimps who think I am a sell out, I say this to you.. I sold out my life. I lost my life to the game. I supposedly learned respect on the street but it became lost on a lonely highway. The game is the biggest addiction in life and I could not beat it. So let's not get it twisted. the system is smarter than you. If you continue to victimize women, you will end up beside me. You can't go to a solid institution because pimping is a bad beef and you'll be the one needing protection.
You may be questioning who am I to be saying all of this? I don't owe these pimps anything. I lost my life to the game. I've been alone for a very long time and have had a lot of time to think. The only way to rehabilitate a pimp is plenty of incarceration and having time to recognize and understand the harm he has inflicted. The whole prison system hates pimps. It's considered a bad charge and even the inmates hate pimps. The hardest judges are inmates because they judge pimps and will not accept them. I have always been known as "good guy, bad beef". From the judges, crown attorneys, jurors, police officers, prison guards to everyday people..a pimp will never be accepted. I had a prison guard say to me, "You are worse than a rapist or a child molester." I asked, "How is that possible?" She said, "They are sick..you aren't." That was when I looked at myself, my attitude and beliefs and wanted to change.
My name is Frank Dorsey and I am a dangerous offender. I used to be one of Canada's most notorious pimps. I have nothing to gain for myself by writing this article. I will probably never be released from prison. There are only a few people who truly know me and they know I have changed by confronting my demons, addictions and my past. I have spent many years counselling other inmates in prison on domestic abuse. I have also spent many years writing back and forth with female inmates who were involved in this lifestyle with hopes of helping them. I have asked God for forgiveness and I have repented. I don't know if that will save me from going to hell but before I die I hope my words can help women or even just one victim escape from this dirty and dangerous game.
I, Frank Dorsey, denounce being supportive or being a part of the life of pimps.
Society is a scary fucking place. Coaches are often deviant sexual predators, preying on innocent and trusting people in our communities. Alcoholics are getting behind the wheel drunk and murdering our loved ones by the thousands every year. And our children are getting access to semi-automatic weapons and destroying the future we provided them. But I'm a monster. I admit I committed a very heinous crime. I beat and tortured a man to death. It wasn't an unprovoked attack, but the system REFUSED to allow me a fair trial. This man I beat, stabbed and mutilated, sexually molested me when I fell asleep in my own bed after a 25-day crack binge. I didn't ask him to come in my room, and I didn't ask him to touch my genitals.
Yes, I wasn't totally upfront about all the facts. I didn't tell the police that after I murdered him, I attempted to guess his PIN number at the ATM, they didn't ask. Don't ask, don't tell. You're supposed to find out the motive...I told you he molested me, isn't that enough? Come to find out this creepy fucker had done the same shit to my mom one night prior to his act against me. I was a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of my cousin, who through a technicality beat the charges brought against him when I was 4. I've had to re-live that my entire life, and as most survivors know, it's NOT something you forget. It doesn't just go away. That's a huge part of WHY I was addicted to drugs. Drugs had a big role in helping me forget about my childhood incident. They also played a huge role in helping me fuck up my life. I'm a 37-year old man serving an indefinite sentence of life. No parole for a minimum of 15 years. I have at least 126 convictions on my record. Funny enough though, not one of which is for drugs. I didn't travel with my drugs; I sniffed them, smoked them, or stuck them up my ass and went about my day finding more.
Anyways, I was provoked. If he hadn't come into my bed I wouldn't have done what I did. Heck, if my childhood didn't flash before my eyes as it did when I woke up to him caressing my junk with his wrinkly old hands, I probably would've maintained some level of sanity. Maybe I would've only given him a bad beating. He didn't die from the superficial wounds I caused. He didn't die cause I cut his finger off. He didn't die from me lighting his face on fire with a Zippo. He died cause he crossed the line and became a PREDATOR. He seen an opportunity to take me while I was vulnerable. In no way do I claim that what I did was justifiable. I don't think what I did was right. Killing someone isn't right. But wasn't I perhaps suffering from some mental breakdown? Why didn't my lawyer have me talk to a doctor? Why wasn't my lawyer doing his best to provide me a defense? Actually, why didn't my lawyer ever ask ME what happened?
I know why...cause an individual who grosses LESS than 10,000.00 a year can't afford a defense. Because I spend every dollar I have before I get it on drugs so I can cope. I'm not entitled to have my side of events told.
Instead, I'm bumped from lawyer to lawyer and they tell me it's not looking good for you, you're looking at 25 years with no parole, but there's an offer of 15 years if you'll plead it out. As your lawyer, I advise you to consider a plea deal. That's what you get when you're broke and broken. That's what they call the criminal justice system. The ones who prey on our weak and defenseless are released back into our communities where more often than not, they re-offend repeatedly. Check it out for yourself, watch the news for a month and tell me I'm wrong.
You hear it on the news all the time; gymnastics coach faces 106 sexual assault charges dating back to 1956. The youngest victim was 7 years old. Hockey coach faces 400 new sexual interference charges over a period of 40 years, police suspect more victims. The system says that sexual predators suffer from a mental health problem. That their libidos can be controlled with medication. Medication only works if these sick fucks take them, or did you forget that part?
I didn't kill an innocent man. I killed an abuser, a sexual predator. In Nov / 2011, if the police had locked him up when my mom reported him for what he had done to her, then today he'd be alive. And although I'd probably still be in jail, it wouldn't be for murder. I admitted to the police that I murdered him, that I acted alone and that he had touched me. That wasn't admitted as "fact". They (the system) stated that the motive was an "alleged" sexual assault. If that's the kind of society you wanna be part of, go for it. I think every person in this country should be allowed to have the best possible defense available to him or her. Not some punk with only 2 prior murder charges who's best advice is "take the deal". Again, I'm not saying what I did was right, but when did it become acceptable to this civilization to allow the poor to be swallowed up by the justice system? If I had $150,000.00 to pay my lawyer and the firm he works for, I probably would have had a chance at a provocation defense and maybe would've gotten a manslaughter with double digits. I asked for manslaughter and my lawyer couldn't run it past them. He didn't want to offend the Crown. I was willing to do double digits anyway. Like I said, killing isn't right.
When did it become a political arena? Don't lawyers swear an oath to defend their clients? To the best of their abilities? You billed Legal Aid for upwards of $70,000.00 to run a fucking plea!!!!! You waited til the 1st day of my trial and pushed this 15 year - life sentence on me!!!! You didn't want to fight for me, and I couldn't actually defend myself. Only a fool represents himself. I managed to save myself 10 potential years. What gets me though is that you're just gonna put it down as a "win". The same "win" the Crown has. How do both sides "win" when I'm sitting in a stinky, sticky, muggy prison cell? Is the courtroom now like a peewee league where both teams get trophies so as not to offend anyone's self-confidence? Does it look like I care about anyone's self-confidence where I'm standing? That's the society that scares me.
Child abusers, sex offenders, drunk drivers and killer cops are free to roam the streets, but the less financially stable, the abused, and mentally ill are locked up in concentration camps labelled "prisons". Forced to work for pennies a day for C.S.C. or sit in their cells like cattle in their paddocks. Instead of employing us to do the jobs at half the minimum wage per hour we are left struggling. Society doesn't know the system is set up to make convicts fail. It's called "job security". The C.S.C. is a family-run organization. Dads, uncles, daughters, and sons work across the province. They want to ensure a future for their children. If you release a financially stable prisoner back into society, he's 70% more likely to succeed than some old crook who's penniless and only knows one way to make money. Crime!!!! Or as programming calls it, "crime for gain". They do WHAT THEY KNOW.
Is that what society wants? Financially unstable criminals roaming the streets with no jobs, no money and no skills?
I know that my 14 year old son has a job at McDonald's and that he's currently fatherless. I know that I don't want some pistol-toting hoodlum fresh out of prison running into the restaurant he's tilling at and pointing a gun in his face cause he got out of prison with a mere $80.00, no job, no plan, no training, and nothing but the clothes on his back and the letters he held onto his entire "bit". The cycle has to stop. We need jobs with fair wages. Jobs where we can learn a usable skill. Pushing a broom isn't an option outside of prison. As schools, hospitals and financial institutions don't hire convicted criminals, let alone PAROLEES.
In 1976, PRISONERS JUSTICE DAY started. A day many prisoners hold dear and a day where the new generation forgets what the generation before mine DIED FOR. If they didn't die, you wouldn't have t.v.'s, you wouldn't have telephones to use, your "Halal" and "Kosher" diets wouldn't exist. The new generation of prisoners forget that it hasn't always been as it is today. They grew up and all the stuff we have now was already there. Shit bro, they can come get it all back easily cause none of you will stick together to fight back. You'll ride for your homie when he wants to rough someone up for a p.k. or he has an issue with a rival from the street. But against the man, you lock up and hide. When did the times change? I see con-on-con bullshit all the time. Usually instigated by some low-life, miserable copper! They're more than happy to watch us punch each other out. It's like watching U.F.C. They don't wanna be the one's getting sucker punched, so they put us against each other and sit in their positions of power writing it up and then it goes on your prison file. Inmate so-and-so was observed in a physical altercation with the other. Now you're part of a violent sub-culture and your "Institutional Adjustment Rating" goes through the roof! Now you can't go to Medium Security. Nowhere in the report does it say, '"Officer so-and-so" caused it. It's not their behaviour that's under scrutiny. They get to punish you for something they started.
But again it starts with the courts. If you're a lawyer who accepts legal-aid, you should be sticking to your core values to defend everyone whose case you take. If you're not into releasing sex-offenders, then don't take their cases. If you're gonna cop a plea for someone, why represent them? I can take a judge myself, maybe get better results. I certainly wouldn't be calling the Crown attorney "my friend"! You lawyers gotta stop taking on cases you can't handle. These people need proper, adequate and fair legal representation. Since I pled, I have no avenue of appeal available to me except saying my legal counsel was incompetent to represent me. I'm seriously thinking about it but first, I'd need to find a lawyer who'd do it on a Pro-Bono basis, cause I doubt Legal Aid would even think to entertain an appeal in my case. Heck, Legal Aid probably looked at my file and told my old lawyer to hang me out to dry!
Our system needs fixing, inside and out. Correctional Services Canada, their mandate is to rehabilitate, reintegrate, and fix our broken and dysfunctional inmates to promote a healthy and pro-social human being who becomes a productive and contributing member of society. At $39.00 bi-weekly, you're just proving that sub-cultures like drug dealing are more productive. I work for 10 days a week, morning and afternoon for $39.00 every other week! How am I supposed to send money home to my 4 children or their moms to help keep them from ending up in here too? You can't. There's that "job security" I mentioned earlier. Do you think that keeping me here longer will make it better? I've already learned that what I did was wrong. I've been in a Maximum Security prison for 3 years, I was in Provincial (Supermax) for almost 4 years. I've learned all I'm gonna learn. My shitty attitude is what's kept me beyond my 2 year Institutional Adjustment. I told a guard he was a piece of shit when he used the 'N' word when talking down to another inmate. We're all human beings. We all deserve compassion. If you're some hillbilly red-neck who's just unhappy and tired of his job....QUIT!!!! You don't need to be a miserable prick, it doesn't make your job easier! What's that saying? You catch more bees with honey than you would with vinegar? I'm not asking you to be my friend but there's no need for us to live in a toxic environment. You'd probably have that many LESS incidents of violence too. Isn't that what we all want? A safe and healthy environment whether we're living in it or working in it? Stop the bullshit before it starts. Remember, we have to be here but you CHOSE to work here. You can quit and find something else if you're unhappy. I can't just QUIT. Trust me, it just don't work like that. Just cause you work here doesn't mean you gotta be a prick. Not all of those you're entrusted to monitor are actively attempting to manipulate you. How am I supposed to show you RESPECT if you're not gonna show me any by at least treating me like a human being?
I've met a FEW guards in the time I've been in who don't look at all of us as worthless pieces of shit. Those guys are here for the cheques so they can support their families. Those ones actually make prison tolerable. The miserable ones though cause friction and make a shitty situation worse! I'm not saying your job's easy, or that you don't have to deal with fucked up shit from our side of the fence, but if you could differentiate criminals from mentally ill who commit criminal acts, half your problem (or more) would vanish. I'm also not saying that your job is all that hard. You shoot tear gas at fist fights without physically intervening to separate the combatants, you write a couple reports about interactions you had or witnessed and you push a button to open and close a door. You're a glorified babysitter who has access to military-style weapons IF you ever need them. Guess what? I've been doing time since 1996, you're probably NOT gonna see another riot!!
As mentioned earlier in this article, today's prison population won't stick together to get things done. They won't actively pursue change. You've still got "old-timers" though, who remember how to effect change. Good luck boys and girls, this is what it has come to. Mentally ill are housed in prisons when they should be in hospitals. The poor are being swallowed up by the justice system cause they can't afford proper and adequate legal representation and the predators, killer cops and drunk drivers who rip families apart are free to do as they please. But hey, at least their finally gonna legalize pot!!!
I'm released in 2026 with no job skills, no apartment to go to, what do you think I'm gonna do?
Just another down-on-his-luck Federal Parolee,
Millhaven Institution 2015 - present
Domestic Violence Is A Crime Against The Community - article written in 2015
Submitted by Frank Dorsey - located on Male Inmates 5
I’ll start by saying I was a male abuser so these are just my opinions. Domestic violence is a man’s problem, not a woman’s problem. There are many types of abuse that women suffer:
1. Physical Violence
2. Sexual Abuse
3. Psychological or mental Abuse
4. Financial Abuse
5. Threats of Abuse
6. Male Privilege or Entitlement
7. Children and Pet Abuse
A lot of men are brought up by thinking domestic violence is an acceptable behaviour because it can be a learned behaviour. They become a product of their environment. With domestic violence, there is always a beginning and an end. It might take a long time to get an ending but I hope after you read this article you can start to make changes that will lead you to an ending.
Not all abuse has to meet the criteria 1 – 7. The abuser just has to meet one of the criteria’s. I used to be a facilitator for a mandated court ordered program for men that were abusers. I believe the abuse always starts with a first act or threat of violence. Nevertheless, deep down inside, men know they’re wrong and they say “I’m sorry and it will never happen again”. But they also know they liked it because they had the female in control. Power and control is an addictive behaviour that abusers thrive on. The abuse may not happen again for a long time which makes the victim believe that he has changed. He may become more loving and may talk more. The sex may become better. It seems like he is a better man. This is called the “honeymoon” phase. The seduction begins. The majority of women who have suffered abuse in the past hope it’s over but it will happen again. Domestic violence or domestic abuse will continue until the abuser gets help.
A lot of women are trapped because the abuser keeps them isolated from friends and family. A lot of women have children and are financially dependent on the abuser with nowhere else to go. They have a life with the abuser and everything they have is in that house. Victims may be too embarrassed to tell anyone what’s going on. Therefore, they stick around hoping one day the abuser will change. The victim becomes co-dependent on the violence and feels it is acceptable to be abused. Many victims are brainwashed to believe it is their fault and not the abusers.
No man has the right to harm, hurt or abuse any woman. It’s unacceptable. I’ve asked myself how can I help or what kind of advice can I give a victim of abuse? I could say leave the situation A.S.A.P. but many women don’t have money to make this change. I could say go to a shelter but that may be tough especially if you have kids. I could say charge him but who is going to pay your bills? I could say go to a hostel but many abusers know where these hostels are. I am a convict who was an abuser but I know it is so tough to change past habits. I feel sorry for women of domestic violence. I know the obstacles and challenges the victim must face in order to get out of her situation. This is not a woman’s problem. It’s a man’s problem and most of all it’s the community’s problem.
I believe if an abuser knows that he is being watched by the community and the community is helping the victims, it sends a message to all men that even though she may not report the abuse, the community can. It also sends a message to all victims that she has people that care about her. There is outside support available. My advice to all members of the community is to go to a church and encourage support for victims of domestic abuse. It has to be stopped and people in the community have got to stop turning a blind eye to this crime and instead say she is part of my community and we will help her.
To all the men who are domestic abusers: I wrote this article for 4 reasons. NFL player Ray Rice assault where he got caught on camera, a friend of mine has suffered psychological harm from being abused mentally, I want domestic abuse to come to light in the community and to show women that it’s not their fault and there’s help out there. And lastly, to blast men that are abusers but also to offer them a glimmer of hope if they want help. To the men: I want you to ask yourself a question in regards to the types of abuse I mentioned earlier, 1-7. Have you done any one of those things to your partner? Please be truthful to yourself. If you have done one of these things but didn’t hit or sexually assault her, you need help!
I want to tell all men that are abusers that I thought I was a tough guy and it turned out that I’m not. Prisoners in the federal system dislike men that abuse women and believe me, you will feel their wrath or possibly even pay some heavy consequences if you come to prison. How would you feel if your mother, sister or daughter was being abused? In order to understand the harm that you inflict upon your partner, you need to get help. You have to understand the physical and/or psychological harm you cause to your partner. It causes irreversible harm to a woman you claim to love. I used to say I love you so much, that’s why I do this or you made me do this. I truly believed I loved them and in my warped way of thinking, I really did.
The first step to change is to say this is MY problem. Stop making “YOU” statements and replace them with “I” statements. Next you have to gain some insight into helping your behaviour. Simple things like take a “time out” when you feel your mood is changing. Go for a walk. Leave the situation and don’t come back until you’ve calmed down. Set goals for yourself. Your main goal is to not abuse your partner. Use other methods such as deep breathing and ask yourself, if I continue to think and act this way, can I accomplish my goals? Get psychological help to deal with past demons, learned behaviours or whatever the case may be. You have to learn equality and realize male privilege was in the past. No longer will those old double standards be accepted by the women of today. I want you to realize that your behaviour has lasted a long time and it’s not going to change overnight.
Sure there are many programs out there. The federal prison system offers programs such as some sort of diversion program. They offer the abuser 48 – 60 hours of programs and then they say he is program complete. Is he rehabilitated? Let’s get it straight. Men that abuse women need way more than 48 – 60 hours of the Domestic Violence Prevention Wheel. It is a lifetime addiction that needs to be controlled with psychological counselling and possibly prescription medication like I am on. I offer any abuser my help. You can get in touch with me and I will try to help you become a better man. This is ONLY for the serious men that want to stop abusing women.
The Ray Rice incident was shocking and terrible but the only people that weren’t shocked were the victims of domestic abuse. Every minute in Canada a woman is suffering some sort of abuse that I outlined earlier. For every victim out there, there is someone who knows she is being abused and they aren’t saying anything which is a shame. If you don’t act, you might be going to her funeral or at least visiting her in the hospital
To the victims: It won’t stop. Male abusers are out of control and need help. Ask yourself: Can I live like this? Do you have children who are witnessing and learning these behaviours? The children are victims as well. It’s all about the cycle of violence. Until an abuser is confronted with his egotistic values and beliefs that women are his property, he will continue with his cycle of abuse and it will only get worse. Prison was the only thing that changed my thinking.
In order to stop domestic abuse, society has to educate. It is so tough to educate a victim because the fact is, she goes through it in silence. Women are threatened and brainwashed that if she tells anyone, it will be twice as bad next time. Canadian citizens have to go to their politicians and ask for better social programs that will mainly deal with safety and support for the victims and to “de-program” the brainwashing that the abuser did to his victims. I must tell the citizens of Canada that if you don’t offer severe psychological counselling for the abuser, the cycle will just continue with another victim. As a former abuser, it was easy to find another victim. I believe in change and I also believe that anyone can change but with every change there’s an exchange of past behaviour. Change is not easy for anyone. However, if society just stands by in silence, the change can never happen.
This problem has been around for hundreds of years. It is time you stand up and say I will not let this happen in my community. Pick up the phone if you know someone is being abused and if they have children. It is a crime to not report abuse of a child.
Any act of domestic violence is too much. I grew up with values and beliefs that it was ok to control your partner through abuse and violence. In every family I knew there was domestic abuse and violence going on. When my victim stood up against me in court I was mad but I know realize that she stood up and took the power back away from me “the abuser” and I believe they had to do that or I would have continued to be an abuser.
As you read this you continue to see the words domestic abuse and domestic violence. Let me explain that I started out using violence on my two partners as well as abuse. Then I said to myself, just don’t put your hands on them but do everything else. So when she made me mad I would hurt her animals or I would threaten to take the children away and I remember one day my victim saying “Stop all the mental abuse and just hit me and get it over with!” I stopped and thought, wow! What the hell am I doing? As a man doing an indefinite sentence as a dangerous offender, let me tell you that I have met a lot of men in the penitentiary who have killed their spouses. I’ve asked them how it started and the first thing they say is, “I learned it from my father”. By the time they get to the end of their story they say, “I really loved her”. I know this sounds like a cop out and it can’t be true but to me as a former abuser, a man that has rehabilitated himself through change of thought process and beliefs, I understand them. To the men who abuse women, penitentiaries are not a nice place to live. If you do not change your thoughts and beliefs, you could be in my situation and just like the many other men who are around me in here.
Corrections Canada offers a family violence program to inmates. If you killed your partner, you do a 3 month MODERATE intensity program. If you beat up your wife or partner you do a 6 month HIGH intensity family violence program. To be fair to C.S.C., they say a lifer and/or dangerous offender is not going home so they do a moderate program. If I’ve been declared a dangerous offender, why do I only qualify for the moderate intensity program? This makes no sense at all.
C.S.C. hires men and women to be facilitators but the only things they know about domestic violence is what they have learned in books. In order to deal with psychopaths or anti-social personality disorders that a lot of men in prison suffer from, C.S.C. should offer better properly run programs that are mandated by psychology or psychiatry. Once C.S.C. offers you a program, all you have to do is show up and the inmate will get a letter that says program complete. They drill these techniques into you but they are forgotten 3 days later. Men do programs for mainly one reason and that is to get out of prison. If you dangle freedom in front of an inmate they will sit through these programs for 3 to 6 months just to go home. A properly run program for domestic violence should be run by psychologists and psychiatrists as well as men who were ex-abusers who should also be facilitating these programs. They would be able to call out the many men who are in denial or who justify their actions and behaviours.
They say that statistics are very low of abusers changing his attitudes and behaviours. They also say that the recidivism rate goes up after a first offence. Statistics also say that the program can’t change a chronic domestic abuser. I can’t argue with statistics but in my opinion, in order to change your thought process of instilled values and behaviours, you have to want to change. Change is the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. You have to be open to trying new things.
When I was an abuser I had 3 kids and never knew the harm that I did to my children until I read my first wife’s victim impact statement. She said that my 2 daughters were in abusive relationships and my son became an abuser all because of her choices. I watched my mother being abused by my father and the one thing I now know is children copy behaviours they learn at home. Power and control is fuel to an abuser. In order to escape an abuser you have to have a plan for eventually escaping. Have a bag packed and ready. During your plan, search the internet and find what information you need to get out. Do not tell your abuser that you are leaving and just stick to your plan.
If you phone him, write to him or go meet him, he will tell you he is going to get help and that he loves you. It’s all a big lie so he can get you back in his control and the cycle of violence will always start again and that’s my word as a man, as an ex-abuser. According to statistics in the U.S.A., 3 women lose their life to domestic violence each day. That is an outrageous statistic.
People have to understand that society can put men in jail for domestic violence but that doesn’t solve the problem. Abusers don’t think of the consequences or even about rehabilitation. I know this first hand. Programs can help, however, for me and most men that are abuser’s, we don’t see anything wrong with our behaviour. We believe it was always the victims fault and we are in complete denial. The program information went in one ear and out the other.
It took many years for me not to be abusive towards females. How did I do it? It all started by meeting with a program facilitator, a woman who challenged my thinking and the only reason I listened to her was that my partner left me while I was in prison for a year. I had to find a new way of thinking because obviously my thought process was warped. Next I had to put myself in my victim’s shoes and understand the different types of abuse I was doing to women. I did about 2 years of therapy, including facilitating groups of men that abuse women. I thought I was cured because I didn’t use violence. Then it happened. Mike Harris took all the programming away in Ontario by cutting programs. I got really sick and suffered from Chrones disease. I suffered from severe depression and everything went out the window. I re-offended and it cost me my life. So in my opinion, that is the reason I believe that all domestic abusers need continuous aftercare programs or it is highly likely they will revert back to past behaviours of the abuse. You don’t just do a program and become cured. It is a continuously long effort to destroy past thought processes and behaviours that have been instilled in male abusers since likely childbirth.
I spent years alone looking at what I had done my whole life. It took me 19 years to change my thought process and hold women as my equal. It took me 19 years to completely change the 23 years of my learned behaviours and beliefs that men are the boss and women are to do whatever men want them to do. I can now say that not only was I an abuser but I was also a chauvinistic pig.
By putting men in these programs, you have to look at the lack of aftercare. For example, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous all have ongoing support groups. Each group also has support for the family/friends affected by the addiction. The same ongoing support should be provided to abusers and their victims. Counsellors who are treating the abusers should be involved with the victim to protect her. When I was a facilitator, I had to take an oath that if a woman was in danger by the abuser I had to report it to one of the main facilitators who would either talk to the abuser or call the police. The main point of this is to protect the victim.
If we don’t treat domestic violence as a twofold, protection of the victim with community support and counselling along with incarceration, proper run programs and aftercare for the abusers, the problem will always be in the community.
In order to break the cycles of violence, judges have to give longer probation periods and order the abuser to do continuous counselling and aftercare. There needs to be zero tolerance and a no excuse policy. Abusers will continue to abuse because they don’t know anything else.
This is a hidden crime that victims are extremely embarrassed to tell. Women are trapped and honestly don’t want to start a brand new life starting in a shelter. The community has to stick together if she won’t or can’t report it.
The good gain knowledge and with the bad you get stronger. I’ve lost my life from abusing females in my life in one way or another. I’ve been incarcerated consecutively for the past 15 years but that has made me into the man I am today. I am a strong, trusting, honest man that tells it like it is. I believe in equality and all I want to do is try to help people learn from my experiences of the cycle of violence. I will continue to write and try to help people to understand the life and how an abuser thinks. I promise my readers, I won’t lie. Lying means not knowing. You’ll get nothing but the hard facts and truths.
This year I was turned down for my parole. Dangerous offenders don’t usually ever get out of prison. I have nothing to gain by writing these articles. However, I want to offer insight from a man that was an abuser. I want to give you hope that you too can change. I want the victims to know there is a way out. Please don’t judge. All I want to do is help human beings by showing them I am human too.
I want to say that no woman in this world is the property of any man. Any man that abuses a woman does not truly love them. Every woman in this world deserves to be treated with class, love and respect because every woman is a queen.
Wondrous Spirit Bird
Let my soul sing freedom,
I am redeemable
Beautiful Birds sing my redemption song
Let your fingers touch loves bloom,
Soft soil grows my reprieve
One blossom can grow change, and
We all can bloom a new beginning
Let your love cloth another human being,
We all need to feel confident
One dress or shirt can make a huge change
Let your kindness mend life’s fabric,
My heart can hem a soul complete, and
I can mend your favorite clothes, because
My heart can fit through a small needle hole
Wondrous Cedar Tree
Let me build a vision of freedom,
I can construct a steady ladder to Heaven, or
My cedar heart can build a home
Let your rough hands create a treasure box,
A place to protect my rare love
Cedar bark is rough, but
The heart of a carpenter is polished, and
With love any bark can be refined.
Poem submitted by Tara DeSousa - located on LGTBQ